Contestant #41 squinted into the sun as the officials directed him towards the canoe. Already at a disadvantage, he was the only single-participant team; the others were made of two and three racers. Sweat drenched and panting, he gathered his bearings while sorting out the rules: had he been to the checkpoints in order? Confirmed. Within seconds, he sprinted toward the water, canoe in hand and determination at heart.
“This is where it gets interesting,” said Brandon Butler, business owner of Ozark Extreme Adventure Sports. Butler had provided the inflatable canoes, but knew they were much less reliable than hard material canoes.
The man pushed and nudged the canoe into the water and began to paddle.
The canoe angled sharply, back and forth, like a praying mantis that hasn’t quite sorted out how to handle his abdomen.
“They’ve been called medieval torture devices,” said Brandon Butler. The device is an inflatable canoe without rudders and is exactly what the adventure racers will use in attempting to cross the lake today, as the wind tries to persuade them otherwise. Butler said it was a little like putting a float raft in the water and trying to direct it with oars, making it a difficult feat even before the wind came along.
Canoeing is only one section of the Lewis and Clark Adventure Race, an annual event for hiking, biking, orienteering, rope and water events. Prizes included products and gift certificates to the Lewis and Clark Outfitters, as well as money and qualifications for the national championship of adventure racing, the USARA competition in 2010.
“The race location is a surprise each year. We always announce it the evening before the race begins,” said Mandy Blackwood, the Lewis and Clark Adventure Race director. This ensures that no adventure racer has the advantage of practicing the course repeatedly when other contestants do not.
There were few first-time participants in this year’s Lewis and Clark Adventure Race, but for adventure racers, there is never an “only” adventure race experience. All return to the race or find other adventure races around the country.
“I can’t remember how many I’ve done,” said Fletcher Hamel. “The mental endurance it requires for an 18-20 hour race is the most challenging part.” Hamel prepares for the races by spending his time cycling, running and working out in the water.
“This is my tenth or eleventh race,” said Scott Eis, part of the “Bent Rims and Band-Aids” team. He began adventure racing as a crossover from mountain biking and found the canoeing event the most challenging section. “We picked a professional canoeing instructor to help us improve,” he said.
“Most of my team has been in eight or nine adventure races, but one of them has done 19,” said Mike McDoniel, of the “Team Cross 1” team. “The dynamics of teamwork are tough in balancing the strength and weaknesses of so many people and having to stick together.”
“I’ve done several adventure races, but this is the first time (the weather) has been warm,” said Jeff Erikson. In one of Erikson’s previous adventure races, the evening temperature low was 37 degrees. His race partner, Matt Fox explained that the weather wasn’t the most challenging part of the race.
Erikson trains for the race by doing a lot of bicycling and running, and recently began running half marathons. After all the preparation, the biggest challenge he has in the race is simply “not getting lost.”
Adventure Racers are given plot coordinates and they are to graph the checkpoint locations during the first section of the race. This is extremely important, since all checkpoints must be reached and reached in order for the participant to complete the race. People at checkpoints ensure the order chronology by putting a stamp on the contestant’s card.
“Maps and plotting…is the purpose of the race,” Blackwood said. “You have to make sure you go in order and stay on track.”
To help improve the navigation skills of race participants, several navigation workshops are given during the week of the race.
A group of people huddle over topographic maps, most of them readjusting their wire rim glasses. Poised on dark leather couches, the men lean over their knees, trying to get a better view of the map and the women wait patiently, clasping delicate hands and daintily crossing legs. Expensive watches peek out from under button up shirts when group members point toward the map questioningly.
They look as if they are reaching deep into their college experience, grasping for that freshman level geology class in desperate last minute preparation.
Among the first checkpoints this year was the Fayetteville Athletic Center. There, contestants had to lift a total of 1000 pounds, not all at once, but through reps on bench weights, free weights or lifting the iron weights without the use of bars.
“Here they come,” called a crew member of the Fayetteville Athletic Center, sending employees scurrying from their break in front of the building to set up in the brightly lit room, something resembling a racquetball court.
Adventure racers and FAC employees united in near futile efforts to keep count of reps and do the simple math “40…that would be twenty…ugh...can she lift weights too?” asked one team member.
This is the fifth year for the event in Northwest Arkansas, but the first to allow minors in the race. The newness of the rule was shown in the age groups of the participants, since only one contestant was a minor and accompanied by his dad. Of all the groups, the father-son team seemed the most adjusted and content during the competition.
The contestant groups, mainly pairs of friends and the occasional brothers or sisters team, struggled with life jackets and toting canoes while anxiously questioning all authorities any chance they got. But the father-son team floated past, enjoying the weather and moving their canoe seamlessly into the water.
I like the scene setter approach, but I don't know if you're picking the right scene for your lede. It's slow and it starts away from the action. Can you put us in the race, and then back up?
ReplyDeleteWatch your phrasing. They are probably NOT trying to remember their college courses, but they certainly may APPEAR that way. And that's the way you write it.
--They are probably reaching deep into their college experience,
This is a good angle. Can you write your story about this?
--This is the fifth year for the event in Northwest Arkansas, but the first to allow minors in the race.
Don't need this. Still waiting for you to get to your story.
--Participants are united by interest in fitness and a love of nature. There were a few first-time participants in this year’s Lewis and Clark Adventure Race, but for adventure racers, there is never an “only” adventure race experience. All return to the race or find other adventure races around the country.
By now I should know how long the race is. Where it is, etc. I should be able to see the course in my mind. I want examples from years past about the extreme conditions, the injuries, the characters. Give me the drama and context to set up THIS race.
Need this type of explanation up top (but snappier).
--Adventure Racers are given plot coordinates and they are to graph the checkpoint locations during the first section of the race. This is extremely important, since all checkpoints must be reached and reached in order for the participant to complete the race.
THIS IS WHAT I WANT. GIVE ME MORE.
--Contestant #41 squinted into the sun as the officials directed him towards the canoe. Already at a disadvantage, he was the only single-participant team; the others were made of two and three racers. Sweat drenched and panting, he gathered his bearings while sorting out the rules: had he been to the checkpoints in order? Confirmed. Within seconds, he sprinted toward the water, canoe in hand and determination at heart.
GOOD!
--The canoe angled sharply, back and forth, like a praying mantis that hasn’t quite sorted out how to handle his abdomen.
“They’ve been called medieval torture devices,” said Brandon Butler. The device is an inflatable canoe without rudders and is exactly what the adventure racers will use in attempting to cross the lake today, as the wind tries to persuade them otherwise. Butler said it was a little like putting a float raft in the water and trying to direct it with oars, making it a difficult feat even before the wind came along.
April, your story is the race. Cut your lede. put us in the race immediately, with a sense of action and style. Then back up and tell us where we are, why we should care, what the stakes are, THEN plunge us back into the race.
April-
ReplyDeleteI would suggest either cutting that bottom scene of yours in half (if it can be done logically) and make one half your lead and then finish with the other half, or if you have another really strong scene of the race make one your lead and make one your closer.
Also, be careful with your second graph. Do you know if they had a geology class? I wouldn’t assume what a person is thinking unless they specifically told you that they were trying to remember something from that class. (This might just be me, because I also didn’t like the story we covered in class Thursday because I thought she assumed to much.)
The paragraph that begins “adventure racers are given plot coordinates” could probably be moved up under your third graph.
I think you need more about the race (scenes, information, etc) and less about the build up to the race. Or use the build up as context paragraphs to back up scenes and quotes of/from the race. If that makes any sense. Either way, less build up, more race.
Lastly, I think you might need a sharper angle. At the end of story I’m still left wondering why I should care. What are you trying to say about this event?
Oh and I would move that 4th paragraph of yours down further. Or maybe cut it? I think I like everything besides that second half of the second sentence… “but for adventure racers, there is never an “only” adventure race experience.”
Maybe “but for adventure racers, there is never only one adventure race experience.”
This lede is exponentially better. It's vividly written and contains the right amount of tension. Well done.
ReplyDeleteAP style is No., not #.
--Contestant #41
AP style is toward, not towards
A complete sentence following a colon requires capitalization. This should be 'Had'
--rules: had he been to the checkpoints in order?
I like your inclusion of Butler's point of view, but to help the reader, make it clear that he's standing nearby, observing the scene.
--“This is where it gets interesting,” said Brandon Butler, business owner of Ozark Extreme Adventure Sports. Butler had provided the inflatable canoes, but knew they were much less reliable than hard material canoes.
last name only on second reference
--“They’ve been called medieval torture devices,” said Brandon Butler
watch your verb tenses. You started in past, now you've switched to present.
-- The device is an inflatable canoe without rudders and is exactly what the adventure racers will use in attempting to cross the lake today, as the wind tries to persuade them otherwise.
Good. nut graf is in the right place and contains good info. But you do need to explain what an adventure race is.
--Canoeing is only one section of the Lewis and Clark Adventure Race, an annual event for hiking, biking, orienteering, rope and water events. Prizes included products and gift certificates to the Lewis and Clark Outfitters, as well as money and qualifications for the national championship of adventure racing, the USARA competition in 2010
Also, while I assume 'hiking, biking, etc' are the rest of the parts of the race (in addition to canoeing), you should say so explicitly.
This section of quotes from people talking about how many races they've done goes on a bit long. I'd like to hear more about *this* race. Give us some of the highlights.
This should be moved up closer to the nut graf.
--Adventure Racers are given plot coordinates and they are to graph the checkpoint locations during the first section of the race. This is extremely important, since all checkpoints must be reached and reached in order for the participant to complete the race. People at checkpoints ensure the order chronology by putting a stamp on the contestant’s card. Something like, "Last week, in preparation of the race, several participants gathered ..."
We need a strong, simple transition here that pulls the reader out of the day of the race and puts them back a week. This isn't cutting it.
--To help improve the navigation skills of race participants, several navigation workshops are given during the week of the race.
A group of people huddle over topographic maps, most of them readjusting their wire rim glasses. Poised on dark leather couches, the men lean over their knees, trying to get a better view of the map and the women wait patiently, clasping delicate hands and daintily crossing legs. Expensive watches peek out from under button up shirts when group members point toward the map questioningly.
Good. getting to some highlights. Per usual, they're nicely written. Would like to see a bit more of this.
Needs a stronger kicker that drives home your theme. Speaking of which, this story needs a stronger theme. What is it you're saying about adventure racing?
One more thing: I know it's difficult to get names of people in the middle of the race, but approaching them afterward might yield some results. And it would help this story a great deal. Many editors would not be comfortable publishing something with so little attribution.
ReplyDelete